Celebrate Recovery

Things We ARE:
A safe place to share.
A refuge.
A place of belonging.
A place to care for others and be cared for.
Where respect is given to each member.
Where confidentiality is highly regarded.
A place to learn.
A place to demonstrate genuine love.
A place to grow and become strong again.
A place for progress.
A place where you can take off your mask and allow others to know who you are.
A place for healthy challenges and healthy risks.
A possible turning point in your life.

Things We Are NOT:
A place for selfish control.
A place for therapy.
A place for secrets.
A place to look for dating relationships.
A place to rescue or be rescued by others.
A place for perfection.
A long-term commitment.
A place to judge others.
A quick fix.

Common Characteristics

• Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal is.

• Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty in following a project through from beginning to end.

• Adult children of alcoholics lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.

• Adult children of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy.

• Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty having fun.

• Adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously.

• Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty with intimate relationships.

• Adult children of alcoholics over-react to changes over which they have no control.

• Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval and affirmation.

• Adult children of alcoholics feel that they are different from other people.

• Adult children of alcoholics are either super responsible or super irresponsible.

• Adult children of alcoholics are extremely loyal even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.

• Adult children of alcoholics look for immediate rather than deferred gratification.

• Adult children of alcoholics lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternate behaviors or possible consequences.

• Adult children of alcoholics seek tension and crisis and then complain about the results.

• Adult children of alcoholics avoid conflict or aggravate it; rarely do they deal with it.

• Adult children of alcoholics fear rejection and abandonment, yet are rejecting of others.

• Adult children of alcoholics fear failure, but sabotage their success.

• Adult children of alcoholics fear criticism and judgment, yet criticize and judge others.

• Adult children of alcoholics manage time poorly and do not set priorities in a way that works well for them.

In order to change, adult children of alcoholics cannot use history as an excuse for continuing their behaviors. They have no regrets for what might have been, for their experiences have shaped their talents as well as their defects of character. It is their responsibility to discover these talents, to build their self-esteem and to repair any damage done. They will allow themselves to feel their feelings, to accept them, and learn to express them appropriately. When they have begun those tasks, they will try to let go of their past and get on with the business of their life.

The Problem

Many of us found that we had several characteristics in common as a result of being brought up in an alcoholic household. We had come to feel isolated, uneasy with other people, and especially authority figures. To protect ourselves, we became people pleasers, even though we lost our own identities in the process. All the same, we would mistake any personal criticism as a threat.

We either became alcoholics ourselves or married them or both. Failing that, we found another compulsive personality, such as a workaholic, to fulfill our sick need for abandonment.

We lived life from the standpoint of victims. Having an over-developed sense of responsibility, we preferred to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. We somehow got guilt feelings when we stood up for ourselves rather than giving in to others. Thus, we became reactors, rather than actors, letting others take the initiative. We were dependent personalities –terrified of abandonment–willing to do almost anything to hold onto a relationship in order not to be abandoned emotionally. Yet we kept choosing insecure relationships because they matched our childhood relationship with alcoholic parents.

These symptoms of the family problem of alcoholism made us “co-victims”–those who take on the characteristics of the problem without necessarily ever taking a drink. We learned to keep our feelings down as children and kept them buried as adults. As a result of this conditioning, we confused love with pity, tending to love those we could rescue. Even more self defeating, we became addicted to excitement in all our affairs, preferring constant upset to workable relationships.

This is a description, not an indictment.

The Solution

The Solution is to become your own loving parent.

As ACA becomes a safe place for you, you will find the freedom to express all the hurts and fears you have kept inside and to free yourself from the shame and blame that are carryovers from the past. You will become an adult who is imprisoned no longer by childhood reactions. You will recover the child within you, learning to accept and love yourself.

The healing begins when we risk moving out of isolation. Feelings and buried memories will return. By gradually releasing the burden of unexpressed grief, we slowly move out of the past. We learn to reparent ourselves with gentleness, humor, love and respect.

This process allows us to see our biological parents as the instruments of our existence. Our actual parent is the Higher Power, Jesus Christ. Although we had alcoholic parents, our Higher Power gave us the 8 Principles of Recovery.

This is the action and work that heals us: we use the Steps, we use the meetings and we use the telephone. We share our experience, strength and hope with each other. We learn to restructure our sick thinking one day at a time. When we release our parents from responsibility for our actions today, we become free to make healthful decisions as actors, not reactors. We progress from hurting to healing to helping. We awaken to a sense of wholeness we never knew was possible.

By attending these meetings on a regular basis, you will come to see parental alcoholism for what it is and how it affected you as a child, and continues to affect you as and adult. You will learn to keep the focus on yourself in the here and now. You will take responsibility for your own life and supply your own parenting.

You will not do this alone. Look around you and you will see others who know how you feel. We will love and encourage you no matter what. We ask you to accept us just as we accept you.

This is a spiritual program based on action coming from love. We are sure that as the love grows inside you, you will see beautiful changes in all your relationships, especially with God, yourself and your parents.

The Problem

Anger is one of our ten (10) basic, God-given, emotions. This emotion can be constructive or disruptive – depending upon our response.

Someone who goes around slamming doors, yelling loudly, and making life miserable for everyone, including them is one type of anger. Equally as damaging and destructive is anger that is suppressed, or “stuffed,” as it will only continue to destructively influence our behaviors and attitudes. Ultimately, even suppressed anger erupts from deep within the heart.

Do I …

• Become impatient easily when things do not go according to my plans.

• Tend to have critical thoughts toward others who don’t agree with my opinions.

• When displeased with someone shut down any communication with them or withdraw entirely.

• Get annoyed easily when friends and family do not appear sensitive to needs.

• Feel frustrated when you see someone else having an “easier” time than them.

• Whenever responsible for planning an important event, are preoccupied with how to
  manage it.

• When talking about a controversial topic, the tone of voice is likely to become louder
  and more assertive.

• Accept a person who admits his or her mistakes, but get irritated easily at those who
  refuse to admit their weaknesses.

• Do not easily forget when someone “does me wrong.”

• When someone confronts me with a misinformed opinion, I am thinking of my comeback even while they’re speaking.

• Find self becoming aggressive even while playing a game for fun.

• Struggle emotionally with the things in life that “aren’t fair.”

• Although it may not be right, sometimes blame others for problems.

• More often than not use sarcasm as a way of expressing humor.

• Act kindly toward others on the outside, yet feel bitter and frustrated on the inside.

The Solution

• Give Jesus a “NANO SECOND” (just one billionth of a second!); to help me use all of
  my emotions according to God’s design, for my life.

• Recognize and accept responsibility for toxic patterns of behavior

• Appropriately change my pattern of relating to others.

• Feel and talk about my anger in a healthy and necessary way.

• Recognize anger as my own and avoid hurting the objects of my anger, keeping my
  anger as a feeling not an action. Looking at anger as a feeling may also shine light on a larger hurt, habit or hang up hiding behind anger.

• There are 2 kinds of anger – healthy adaptive anger and unhealthy needless anger.
  Healthy anger is based on being protective of myself or others. Unhealthy needless
  anger is based on my being resentful which leads to my wanting revenge.

• Check my motives. Rudeness under the disguise of being honest is still rudeness.

• Live in peace, not in conflict. Remember that God is in charge of your life and He loves you unconditionally. Commit to having a daily quiet time with God.

• Identify triggers, clues to getting angry and do something physical to get my adrenaline rush and energy out in a healthy way.

• Confront in love to deal with what made me angry.

• Self-control is a mark of spiritual maturity, while giving in to outward anger (raging), or
  giving the silent treatment (stuffing), denotes the exact opposite. Learn to ask myself
  before I speak:

  • Is it true?

  • Is it kind?

  • Is it necessary?

 My Emotions Are My Own Choice
I can choose:

• To be positive in my communication.

• To not withhold approval, acceptance, or affection.

• To not withhold my presence.

• To not seek false superiority feelings, or seek false inferiority feelings, therefore,
  choosing equality.

(Adapted from “The Anger Workbook,” written by Dr. Les Carter and Dr. Frank Minirth)

The Problem

If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit drinking or using entirely, or if you have little control over the amount you consume, you are probably an alcoholic and/or an addict. If that is the case, you may be suffering from a problem which only a spiritual solution will conquer. 

If you are as seriously alcoholic or addicted as we were, we believe there is no middle-of-the-road solution. We were in a position where life was becoming impossible, and we had passed into the region from which there is no return through human resources, we had but two alternatives: One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best as we could; and the other was to accept Jesus Christ as our Higher Power.

The Solution

By working through the Eight Recovery Principles found in the Beatitudes with Jesus Christ as your Higher Power, you can and will change! You will begin to experience the true peace and serenity you have been seeking, and you will no longer have to rely on your dysfunctional, compulsive, and addictive behaviors as a temporary “fix” for your pain.

By applying the biblical principles of conviction, conversion, surrender, confession, restitution, prayer, quiet time, witnessing, and helping one another, which are found within the Eight Principles and the Christ-centered 12 Steps, you will restore and develop stronger relationships with others and with God.

Self-Evaluation

1. Have you ever decided to stop drinking and/or using for a week or so, but only lasted for a couple of days?

2. Do you wish people would mind their own business about your drinking and/or using – stop telling you what to do?

3. Have you ever switched from one kind of drink or drug to another in the hope that this would keep you from losing control?

4. Have you had to have an “eye-opener” upon awakening during the past year? Do you need a drink or drug to get started, or stop shaking?

5. Do you envy people who can drink or use drugs without getting into trouble?

6. Have you had problems connected with drinking or using during the past year?

7. Has your drinking or using caused trouble at home?

8. Do you ever try to get “extra” drinks or drugs at a party because you did not get enough?

9. Do you tell yourself you can stop drinking or using any time you want to, even though you keep getting inebriated when you don’t mean to?

10. Have you missed days of work or school because of drinking or using?

11. Do you have “blackouts”?

12. Have you ever felt that your life would be better if you did not drink or use?

What Is Your Score? 

Did you answer YES two (2) or more times? If so, you are probably in trouble with alcohol or drugs.

But again, only you can decide whether you think Celebrate Recovery is for you. Try to keep an open mind on the subject. If the answer is YES, we will be glad to show you how we stopped drinking and using drugs ourselves. 

Celebrate Recovery does not promise to solve your life’s problems. But we can show you how we are learning to live without drinking or using one day at a time with the help of our Higher Power, Jesus Christ. We stay away from that first drink. If there is no first one, there cannot be a tenth one. And when we are free of alcohol, we found that life became much more manageable, with Christ’s power.

Common Characteristics Among Codependents

1. My good feelings about who I am stem from being loved by you.

2. My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you.

3. Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your
   problems or relieving your pain.

4. My mental attention is focused on pleasing you.

5. My mental attention is focused on protecting you.

6. My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems.

7. My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain.

8. My own hobbies and interests are put aside. My time is spent sharing your interests
   and hobbies.

9. Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires as I feel you are a
   reflection of me.

10. Your behavior is dictated by my desires as I feel your are a reflection of me.

11. I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel.

12. I am not aware of what I want – I ask what you want. I am not aware – I assume.

13. The dreams I have for my future are linked to you.

14. My fear of rejection determines what I say or do.

15. My fear of your anger determines what I say or do.

16. I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship.

17. My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you.

18. I put my values aside in order to connect with you.

19. I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own.

20. The quality of my life is in direct relation to the quality of yours.

Codependency and Christian Living

On the surface, codependency messages sound like Christian teaching.

“Codependents always put others first before taking care of themselves.”

(Aren’t  Christians to put others first?)

“Codependents give themselves away.”

(Shouldn’t Christians do the same?)

“Codependents martyr themselves.”

(Christianity honors its martyrs.)

Those statements have a familiar ring, don’t they? Then how can we distinguish between codependency, which is unhealthy to codependents and their dependents, and mature faith, which is healthy.

Codependency says:

• I have little or no value.

• Other persons and situations have all the value.

• I must please other people regardless of the cost to my person or my values.

• I am to place myself to be used by others without protest.

• I must give myself away.

• If I claim any rights for myself, I am selfish.

Jesus taught the value of the individual. He said we are to love others equal to ourselves, not more than. A love of self forms the basis for loving others. The differences between a life of service and codependency take several forms.

Motivation differs. Does the individual give his service and himself out of free choice or because he considers himself of no value? Does he seek to “please people”? Does he act out of guilt and fear? Does he act out of a need to be needed (which means he actually uses the other person to meet his own needs; the helpee becomes an object to help the helper achieve his own goals).

Service is to be an active choice. The person acts; codependents react. Codependents behavior is addictive rather than balanced. Additions control the person instead of the person being in charge of their own life.

Codependents have poor sense of boundaries; they help others inappropriately (when it creates dependency on the part of the other person rather than moving that person toward independence). They have trouble setting limits for themselves and allow others to invade their boundaries.

A codependent’s sense of self-worth is tied up in helping others; Christianity says that a person has worth simply because he is a human being God created. Ones self-worth is separate from the work one does or the service one renders.

Codependents have difficulty living balanced lives; they do for others at the neglect of their own well-being and health; Christian faith calls for balanced living and taking care of oneself.

Codependent helping is joyless; Christian service brings joy.

Codependent are driven by their inner compulsions; Christians are God-directed and can be free from compulsiveness, knowing that God brings the ultimate results.

Codependency

“In its broadest sense, codependency can be defined as an addiction to people, behaviors, or things. Codependency is the fallacy of trying to control interior feelings by controlling people, things, and events on the outside. To the codependent, control or lack of it is central to every aspect of life.

The codependent may be addicted to another person. In this interpersonal codependency, the codependent has become so elaborately enmeshed in the other person that the sense of self – personal identity – is severely restricted, crowded out by that other person’s identity and problems.

Additionally, codependents can be like vacuum cleaners gone wild, drawing to themselves not just another person, but also chemicals (alcohol or drugs, primarily) or things – money, food, sexuality, work. They struggle relentlessly to fill the great emotional vacuum within themselves.”

“Love Is A Choice”, pgs. 11, 12

The Ten Traits of a Codependent

1. The codependent is driven by one or more compulsions.

2. The codependent is bound and often tormented by the way things were in the dysfunctional family of origin.

3. The codependent’s self-esteem (and, frequently, maturity) is very low.

4. A codependent is certain his or her happiness hinges on others.

5. Conversely, a codependent feels inordinately responsible for others.

6. The codependent’s relationship with a spouse or Significant Other Person (SOP) is marred by a damaging, unstable lack of balance between dependence and independence.

7. The codependent is a master of denial and repression.

8. The codependent worries about things he or she can’t change and may well try to change them.

9. A codependent’s life is punctuated by extremes.

10. A codependent is constantly looking for the something that is missing or lacking in life.

 Qualities of a “Good Codependent”

1. High-level organization ability.

2.  Competence at a wide variety of tasks and the ability to learn additional ones quickly.

3. Stability and resistance to panic.

4. Skill at diplomacy and emotional manipulation.

5. Resilience with a high tolerance to pain.

6. High energy, with good resistance to fatigue.

7. Good administrative skills.

8. The ability to defer gratification indefinitely.

9. Crisis intervention skills.

10. Strong sense of morality and of right wrong.

11. Loyalty and a willingness to put the needs of others before his/her own.

12. Capacity to never ask “What’s in this for me?”

13. The ability to do enormous amounts of work for a minimal payoff.

14. High level of nurturing and caretaking skills.

15. Tendency toward over-achievement, leading to the ability to work consistently at 120 percent of capacity.

16. Gives low priority to emotional needs and feelings.

17. Has one or more of the following: Migraine headaches, obesity, depression, and obsessive-compulsive behaviors.

18. Has low self-esteem with a very dependent personality. It is not likely that a person with high self-esteem would put up with a fraction of what a codependent routinely tolerates.

Adapted from Families under the Influence by Michael Elkin.

Enabling

Enabling is defined as reacting to a person in such a way to shield him or her from experiencing the full impact of the harmful consequences of behavior. Enabling behavior differs from helping in that it permits or allows the person to be irresponsible.

• PROTECTION from natural consequences of behavior.

• KEEPING SECRETS about behavior from others in order to keep peace.

• MAKING EXCUSES for the behavior. (School, friends, legal authorities, work, family members.)

• BAILING OUT of trouble. (Debts, fixing tickets, paying lawyers, providing jobs.)

• BLAMING OTHERS for dependent persons behavior. (Friends, teachers, employers, family, self.)

• SEEING THE PROBLEM AS THE RESULT OF SOMETHING ELSE. (Shyness, adolescence, loneliness, child, broken home.)

• AVOIDING the chemically dependent person in order to keep peace. (Out-of-sight, out-of-mind.)

• GIVING MONEY THAT IS UNDESERVED/UNEARND.

• ATTEMPTING TO CONTROL. (Planning activities, choosing friends, getting jobs.)

• MAKING THREATS that have no follow through or consistency.

• TAKING CARE OF the chemically dependent person. (Doing what he/she should be expected to do for themselves.) 

Compliance

• I assume responsibility for others feelings and behaviors.

• I feel guilty about others’ feelings and behaviors.

• I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.

• I have difficulty expressing feelings.

• I am afraid of my anger, yet sometimes erupt in a rage.

• I worry how others may respond to my feelings, opinions, and behavior.

• I have difficulty making decisions.

• I am afraid of being hurt and/or rejected by others.

• I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.

• I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.

• I am afraid to express differing opinions or feelings.

• I value others’ opinions and feelings more than my own.

• I put other people’s needs and desires before mine.

• I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise, or gifts.

• I judge everything I think, say, or do harshly, as never “good enough.”

• I am a perfectionist.

• I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.

• I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.

• I do not perceive myself as a lovable and worthwhile person.

• I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others’ anger.

Evaluation

1. Do thoughts about food occupy much of your time?

2. Are you preoccupied with a desire to be thinner?

3. Do you starve to make up for eating binges?

4. Are you overweight despite concern by others for you to lose weight?

5. Do you binge and then vomit afterward?

6. Do you exercise excessively to burn off calories?

7. Do you overeat by bingeing or by grazing continuously?

8. Do you eat the same thing every day and feel annoyed when you eat something else?

9. Do you binge and then take enemas or laxatives to get rid of the food you have eaten?

10. Do you hide stashes of food for future eating or bingeing?

11. Do you avoid foods with sugar in them and feel uncomfortable after eating sweets?

12. Is food your friend?

13. Would you rather eat alone? Do you feel uncomfortable when you must eat with others?

14. Do you have specific ways you eat when you are emotionally upset, sad, angry, afraid, anxious or ashamed?

15. Do you become depressed or feel guilty after an eating binge?

16. Do you feel fat even when people tell you otherwise?

17. Are you ever afraid that you won’t be able to stop eating when you are on a binge?

18. Have you tried to diet repeatedly only to sabotage your weight loss?

19. Do you binge on high-calorie, sugary, forbidden foods?

20. Are you proud of your ability to control the food you eat and your weight?

21. Do you have weight changes of more than 10 pounds after binges and fasts?

22. Do you feel your eating behavior is abnormal? Do you try to hide it from others?

23. Does feeling ashamed of your body weight result in more binging?

24. Do you make a lot of insulting jokes about your body weight or your eating?

25. Do you feel guilty after eating anything not allowed on your diet?

26. Do you follow unusual rituals while eating, such as counting bites or not allowing the fork or food to touch your lips?

If you checked five or more of the questions numbered 1, 4, 7, 12, 13, 14, 15, 17, 18, 19, 22, 23, 24, you may be dealing with compulsive overeating.

If you checked five or more of the questions numbered 1, 2, 6, 8, 11, 13, 14, 16, 17, 20, 22, 25, 26, you have eating behaviors typical of anorexia nervosa.

If you checked five or more of the questions numbered 1, 3, 5, 6, 9, 10, 13, 14, 15, 17, 19, 21, 22, 26, you have eating behaviors common in bulimia nervosa.

Welcome

This recovery support group’s purpose is to conquer the painful effects of eating disorders. To that end we support each other as family. We seek to apply the 8 Recovery Principles to our lives and to our relationships.

We welcome you. We cannot fix your problems, and we will not seek to run your life for you. We will accept you and love you. This is a safe place.

When we attended our first meeting, many of us were having a variety of feelings. We were relieved to find a place where people might understand our pain and despair. We were angry that we had to get help and could not manage this part of our lives alone. We felt lonely and were ashamed of the way our lives had become. We had secrets that we were reluctant to share.

Our group is not a therapy group or a study group. It is a Christ-centered support group. We do not give advice. We share our experience, strength, and hope with each other.

Here we learn a new way of living. We learn, at our own pace, to experience in a healthy way intimacy and sharing with others. We learn to trust, to ask for our needs to be met, to say no when no is appropriate, to express our feelings, and to hang around when all we want to do is run. Here no one shames us for what we have done or still are doing. Here we have a safe harbor within which to heal, and for that we are grateful. The only requirement for membership in our group is a desire to change our unhealthy eating behaviors.

Those of us who have experienced life change through the program offer this challenge to you. This program works as we complete the work with the help and supervision of a sponsor or accountability partner. If you do not have a sponsor or accountability partner, we encourage you to enlist one, complete the written work in the Celebrate Recovery Workbooks and share your work with your sponsor or accountability partner.

We are happy you are here. We encourage you to take one day at a time and keep coming back… it works.

Information

We recommend several actions to help you begin recovery: 

1. Attend several meetings before you decide if this group is not for you.

2. We encourage you to obtain a copy of the Celebrate Recovery Workbooks and the Life Recovery Bible.

3. Participation in the meeting is your choice. You can pass when it is your turn.

4. You will receive a phone list. Call a sponsor to work with you, as you have questions and as you work on the steps. Use the phone list to call people when you need help.

5. We guard the anonymity and confidences of group members carefully. Do not share who you see or what you hear in these meetings with any person or prayer list.

6. Keep coming back. God will change your life as you apply the Christ-centered 8 Recovery Principles.

Attending a meeting is the first step in confronting the denial in our lives. We are glad that you are here, and we encourage and support you as you grow with us. We love and support you.

Unhealthy Fear

Fear– A feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger Fear is False Evidence Appearing Real

Fear causes problems to seem greater than they really are With exaggerated fears of the problems we face, we think the problems are overwhelming

Fear that prevents us from enjoying the blessings we have and interacting with others: One who fears cannot be at peace and know true joy.

Fear that hinders our ability to be of service to God Fear of people, fear of failure, often hinder Christians in their service; e.g., personal evangelism

Fear that motivates us to disobey God Certain fears often prompt us to do things which are displeasing to God. For example, Fear of failure and fear of rejection. Such fears have often led young people to cheat, get in with the wrong crowd, give in to improper sexual advances.    

Healthy Fear

Not all fear is harmful, however; there is to be a place in the heart of the Christian for the right kind of fear… 

Fear– extreme reverence or awe, as toward a supreme power.

The “fear of the Lord” is the beginning of knowledge, will cause one to hate evil, will prolong life, provides strong confidence and is a fountain of life, prompts one to depart from evil, leads to a satisfying life, is the way to riches, honor, and life.

*When we properly understand Whom to fear, and how faith in Jesus dispels the wrong kind of fear, then we can overcome any fear or phobia that would rob us of the peace Jesus offers.

The Lord is my light and my salvation – whom shall I fear?

The Lord is the stronghold of my life – of whom shall I be afraid?

Psalm 27:1

The wise man in the storm prays to God, not for safety from danger, but for deliverance from fear. It is the storm within which endangers him, not the storm without.

Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

• Fear imprisons, faith liberates; fear paralyzes, faith empowers;

• Fear disheartens, faith encourages; fear sickens, faith heals;

• Fear makes useless, faith makes serviceable and, most of all;

• Fear puts hopelessness at the heart of life, while faith rejoices in its God.

What do I need to recover from?

• Being unclear about your financial situation. Not knowing account balances, monthly expenses, loan interest rates, fees, fines, or contractual obligations.

• Frequently “borrowing” items such as books, pens, or small amounts of money from friends and others, and failing to return them.

• Poor saving habits. Not planning for taxes, retirement or other non-recurring but predictable items, and then feeling surprised when they come due; a “live for today, don’t worry about tomorrow” attitude.

• Compulsive shopping: Being unable to pass up a “good deal”; making impulsive purchases; leaving price tags on clothes so they can be returned; not using items you’ve purchased.

• Difficulty in meeting basic financial or personal obligations, and/or an inordinate sense of accomplishment when such obligations are met.

• A different feeling when buying things on credit than when paying cash, a feeling of being in the club, of being accepted, of being grown up.

• Living in chaos and drama around money: Using one credit card to pay another; bouncing checks; always having a financial crises to contend with.

• A tendency to live on the edge: Living paycheck to paycheck; taking risks with health and car insurance coverage; writing checks hoping money will appear to cover them.

• Unwarranted inhibition and embarrassment in what should be a normal discussion of money.

• Overworking or under earning: Working extra hours to earn money to pay creditors; using time inefficiently; taking jobs below your skill and education level.

• An unwillingness to care for and value yourself: Living in self-imposed deprivation; denying your basic needs in order to pay your creditors.

• A feeling or hope that someone will take care of you if necessary, so that you won’t really get into serious financial trouble, that there will always be someone you can turn to.

Self-Evaluation

• Do you struggle with overeating or constant dieting?

• Have you been on a diet and lost all the weight, but need support not to go back to unhealthy behaviors?

• Do you ever feel out of control and unable to stop eating?

• Do you eat out of frustration, anger, or fear?

• Does it seem impossible to eat only when you are hungry and stop when you are full?

• Do you eat to feel comfort?

The Problem

• Throughout our lives many of us have turned to food to ease our pain or fear.

• We felt comfort in eating and found ourselves turning to food whenever we were hurt, angry or frustrated.

• Food became our comforter, our friend.

• Some of us may have one certain food that we can not stop eating, or are unable to eat only in healthy amounts.

• Some of us may have been emotionally, physically or sexually abused and use food to cope with the emotions of those events.

• Some of us may have had healthy eating habits as children or young adults, but at some point in our lives we chose to overeat and lost the ability to discern when we were physically hungry or when we were physically full.

• Some of us may have turned to food after obtaining sobriety in other areas.

• We thought food was “safe,” not realizing it could become our “drug of choice”.

• We have focused on our body image instead of our health.

• Many of us have tried various diet programs, exercising, medications or many other ways of trying to control our eating habits.

• We have failed over and over and are left feeling guilty, incapable and unlovable.

• We have given in to the idea that there is one perfect diet or pill out there that can save us, if only we could find it.

• Some of us believe that thin people do not struggle with food addiction. We have also failed to recognize food as our “drug of choice”.

• As a result of our food addiction we feel out of control and may struggle with many other areas of our lives.

• Some of us have low self esteem which may affect our motivation, and our relationship with God and others.Item description

The Solution

• We came to realize that we could not control our addiction to food and that we are powerless.

• We understand that our problems are emotional and spiritual.

• We have become ready to face our denial and accept the truth about our lives and our food addiction.

• We are ready to accept responsibility for our actions and make Jesus the Lord of our lives.

• We are dedicated to learning about healthy eating.

• We are committed to learning the difference between physical and emotional hunger.

• We are willing to turn to God when we are not physically hungry.

• We will begin to view food as fuel for our body so that we will not eat unless we are physically hungry and stop when we are physically full.

• We are willing to begin the process of recovery and working through the 12 steps to heal ourselves, and start living the life God has planned for us.

• We are willing to find a sponsor and accountability partners.

• We realize our group provides a safe place to share our fears, hurt or anger and also is a place to rejoice in victories.

• We have become willing to face our character defects and work through these feelings in our group.

• We are willing to take the focus off of food and focus on God.

• We recognize that recovery from food addiction is not about our body image or what foods we eat, but it is about trusting God and having an intimate relationship with Him.

• We are willing to believe and trust in God’s love for us, and to see ourselves as He sees us.

• We are willing to seek a closer relationship with God.

• By facing our fears we have realized that Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit are what we need to overcome them.

• As we surrender our food addiction to God, we will come to know that He is all we need.

• We will continue to seek a daily quiet time with God and will rely on the Holy Spirit as our source of comfort. We will be transformed by the renewing of our minds.

• We will use the tools of recovery: calling our accountability partners, journaling and reading the Bible.

The Problem

At some time during our lives we came to realize that the hurts, habits and hang-ups of the past were affecting our present. The guilt and shame from the past leaves us feeling inadequate and some how unworthy of being loved. As a result of the lies, we have learned to lie in order to cover up who we believe we really are, and we act in ways that either prove or disprove our shame.

Shame = Incompetent, not good enough, damaged goods, dirty, stupid, ugly, worthless, bad, disgusting, weak, unworthy, undeserving, inadequate, etc.

Disprove it
Driven to success
Need for control
Goody two shoes
Perfectionism
Responsible

Prove It
Substance Abuse
Addictions
Compulsions
Promiscuity
Breaking the law

The Solution

We are ready to work the 12 Steps of recovery and are committed to learn where our guilt and shame comes from. We are ready to accept responsibility for our own actions and cease taking responsibility for the actions of others. When we make Jesus Christ the Lord of our life and abide by His steps, we heal from our hurts, habits and hang-ups and start living the abundant life God has planned for us.

We are willing to move toward truth, even if it is upsetting, and to look back in order to gain a new perspective from which we can move forward to a better life. We are willing to reexamine our beliefs about ourselves, our way of life, and our relationships to make changes that can give us emotional freedom.*

We acknowledge that our group provides a safe place to share our feelings of shame, and guilt, our hurt, anger, anxiety and frustration, as well as our happiness and victory. We are willing to face these feelings and work through them in our group. We respect each and every woman in the group and we are willing to do our part to ensure that it is a safe place to share and grow.

We are willing to seek a closer relationship with God. We will continue to seek a daily quiet time with God and trust that He can and will renew our minds. By doing all this, we will learn more and more about our heavenly Father, His character, His grace, His promises, and His love. 

*Paragraph taken from The Emotional Freedom Workbook by S. Arterburn & C. Neal

Healthy Shame

1. You see wrong behavior separate from “who you are.” You may do something bad, but you don’t take that as evidence that you are essentially a bad person.

2. You see normal lapses, errors and failures as part of being human. They may act as catalysts, prompting you to make changes toward a more positive direction in life, but they do not overwhelm you.

3. You separate bad experiences from “who you are.” Something bad may happen to you or you may be treated abusively, but you don’t assume you deserve such treatment.

4. You see avoidance of shame-producing behavior as a way to protect yourself from pain and destruction.

5. You see “breaking the rules” – violation of your boundaries-as a problem that needs to be corrected to reduce the discomfort of the shame you experience.

6. You see your life as valuable, and shame as something built into your being to protect the sanctity of your life.

7. You trust that shame is a temporary feeling of discomfort, which will dissipate when you move away from “breaking the rules.”

8. You try to live within the boundaries of socially acceptable behavior and take steps to fit into society. You act in ways that protect your privacy, and you practice discretion in your relationships.

Unhealthy Shame

1. You see wrong behavior or failings as a reflection of “who you are” – your true identity. When you do something bad or make a mistake, you see that as evidence that you are flawed.

2. You see normal lapses, errors and failings as the revelation of your true nature, which is flawed, rather than being as part of being human. You may feel overwhelmed when you experience such a lapse because you think it reveals that something is terribly wrong with you.

3. You accept part of the blame when others violate you. You see yourself as someone who deserves to be abused or treated poorly.

4. You see avoidance of shame-producing behavior or lifestyle as futile since you believe the behavior or lifestyle is the natural result of being the “kind of person” you consider yourself to be.

5. Whenever you experience a normal human failing, make an honest mistake, suffer a disappointment, violate your moral standards, or have your boundaries violated by others, it may trigger a downward spiral of depression or addictive behavior.

6. You regard trying to change your life for the better as living a lie or being hypocritical. You believe that your steps in a positive direction are phony, and you negate them instead of viewing them as evidence that you can change.

7. You may appear to others to be utterly shameless in some or all areas of your life. When you shut down the influence of healthy shame, you lose your strength of boundaries. You may eventually be worn down to the point that you give in to your overwhelming shame and act out in ways that show no sense of healthy shame and no awareness of legitimate moral guilt.

Addicted to “Love” Characteristics

• Lack of nurturing and attention when young

• Feeling isolated, detached from parents and family

• Outer facade of “having it all together” to hide internal disintegration

• Mistake intensity for intimacy

• Hidden Pain

• Seek to avoid rejection and abandonment at all cost

• Afraid to trust anyone in a relationship

• Inner rage over lack of nurturing, early abandonment

• Depressed

• Highly manipulative and controlling of others

• Perceive attraction, attachment, and sex as basic human needs, on a par with food and
  water

• Sense of worthlessness

• Escalating tolerance for high-risk behavior

• Intense need to control self, others, circumstances

• Presence of other addictive or compulsive problems

• Insatiable appetite in area of difficulty

• Using others alter mood or relieve pain

• Continual questioning of values and lifestyle

• Driven, desperate, frantic personality

• Existence of secret “double life”

• Refusal to acknowledge existence of problem

• Defining out-of-control behavior as normal

• Defining “wants” as “needs”

From page 187 of Addicted to “Love”

Romance – The Addiction Cycle

OBSESSION

• Physical or emotional “trigger”

• Consumed by thoughts

• Plots, plans, schemes

• Loss of concentration

• Judgment impaired

THE HUNT

• Driven to find relief

• Seeks out someone or something

• Point of no return

RECRUITMENT

• Movement to resolve pain

• Enlistment, enticement, seduction

• Risk

GRATIFICATION

• Object of hunt is attained

• Other person steps into desired role

• Thrill of conquest

• Victimization of other party

RETURN TO NORMAL

• Feel calm, peaceful

• Switch” turned off

• Mood altered

JUSTIFICATION

• Pain resurfaces

• Rationalizations

• Depersonalization of victim

BLAME

• Focus on own neglect or abuse

• Refuse to accept responsibility

• Lay problem at another’s feet

SHAME

• Blaming seems inadequate

• Horror at own actions

• What sort of person must I be?

• Stuff feelings

DESPAIR

• Elation-depression cycle

• Utter despair

• Resolve to fix what is broken

PROMISES

• “Never again,” list of promises

• Fear of breaking promises

• Return to start of cycle

From page 51 of Addicted to “Love”

Relationships – The Addiction Cycle

OBSESSION

• Self-focus

• Hurts from the past

• Feelings of abandonment

• Negative emotional state

THE HUNT

• Looking for love in all the wrong places

• An available victim

• Well-rehearsed ritual of enticement

RECRUITMENT

• Tricks of the trade

• Submissive nature

• Mating calls

GRATIFICATION

• New energy

• Solving another person’s problems

• New attachment

• Instant feeling of relief

RETURN TO NORMAL

• A new companion

• Feeling of completeness

JUSTIFICATION

• I needed it

• I deserve it

• I had no choice

BLAME

• Usually focused on parents first

• Spreads to others

SHAME

• Self-pity

• Recognizes attachment to the “wrong person”

• Self-betrayal

DESPAIR

• Feeling trapped

• Over-responsibility

PROMISES

• “Never again!”

• Focus returns to hurt and pain

• Obsession re-starts addictive cycle

From page 83 of Addicted to “Love”

The Genesis of Our Addiction

Our lust started as an overpowering desire for pleasurable relief from inner pain, emptiness or insecurity, with which we could not cope. At first, it worked. For a time, sex with ourselves or with others dissolved the tension, relieved the depression, resolved the conflict, and provided the means to deal with, or escape from, seemingly unbearable life situations.

Eventually, our quest for relief became an addiction, and the addiction took on a life of its own. Pleasure and relief were gradually replaced with tension, depression, rage, guilt, and even physical distress. To relieve this new pain, we resorted to more sex and lust, losing more control in the process. We were driven to spend more time thinking about and carrying out our addiction, and lived in denial to avoid recognizing how much of our life our addiction controlled.

Finally, our addiction came to take priority over everything: our ability to work, live in the real world, relate with others and be close to God. What started as the cure had become the sickness. The Answer had become the Problem. We were hopelessly addicted to lust.

Overcoming Lust and Temptation

A new loneliness overwhelmed us as we realized that we had become increasingly separated from God and our loved ones. We began to seek sobriety, and as we stayed sexually sober for some length of time, we discovered that even though we may not be acting out our compulsion, our obsession was still with us.

We began to recognize the many disguises the Enemy uses to trick us into lusting. We learned not to rely on our failed and weakened selves, but rather, to turn to God’s pure love and absolute power. With increased reliance on God, we worked on recovery with altered attitudes and growing humility, and we gained progressive victory over lust.

As we yielded to God, temptation began to lose its control over us. When we admitted we were powerless and gave our lives and our will over to God, He worked in us, and we began enjoy a new balance in our lives. Leaning on and learning from others in the program, we continue to walk in His strength, gaining true freedom from lust and sin through obedience to Christ our Lord.

The Problem for Women

As women, sexual addiction is unique. Our behavior ranged from sex with self, phone sex, cyber sex, and pornography. We engaged in promiscuity, illicit relationships, and multiple-adultery. For some of us it was exotic dancing, escort services and prostitution. We used our bodies, intentionally dressed provocatively, and performed for others, creating an illusion that gave us a false sense of self -worth. We were addicted to the intrigue, the tease, and the forbidden. We jeopardized our relationships, jobs, morals and values; we even neglected our children. All the while, we rationalized our sexual behaviors. “What will just a little fantasy hurt”, or “what they don’t know, won’t hurt them.” As we lived a double-life, we became disconnected from reality making true intimacy with another impossible. We carried this behavior from relationship to relationship and even into our marriages.

Why? We were running; running from love; running from pain; pain from shame, self-hate, and multiple forms of abuse. We lacked self worth and feared intimacy. We tried to connect; we tried to escape. We felt abandoned. We had a need to be in control and have power over others. Spiritually, we were bankrupt.

We have learned to numb our feelings and to cope with our inadequacies by reaching out for a cure that would ultimately destroy us. This in effect defined our belief system in a way that was not in line with God’s plan for sexuality.

Sexual addiction is progressive. What starts as a little flirtation or a “curiosity”, the line we chose to cross, set us into motion for the next line we chose to cross. Ask the adulterer, ask the prostitute, ask the slave to the Internet, “when, how they started, and how it ended.” We tell ourselves that the next sexual act will be better and more lasting, but it never is.

Eventually, our behaviors resulted in losing relationships, our marriages, jobs, and material possessions and in some cases, our children. For many, the risks of sexual transmitted diseases (STD) are now a reality. And finally, we hit a bottom.

There is a void that we haven’t been able to fill with fantasy, sex or lust. We’ve asked ourselves, how we got here. Sometimes, we don’t even remember why we started acting out in the first place.

Sexual Addiction – breaking it down…

Female sexual addiction is an addiction to our sexuality using if for the wrong reason with the wrong people.

Addictive Behavior

Multiple Adultery – Illicit relationships – Sex with Self (Masturbation) – Sexual Fantasy Pornography – Promiscuity – Internet Chat rooms – Internet Cyber sex – Phone sex Exhibitionist – Exotic Dancing – Serve as an escort/prostitution – Swapping (couples) Intentional Provocative dress – Sexual Encounters/Sexual Relationships w/ women – Secrete double life – High-risk behaviors/situations

Characteristics that Fuel Behavior

Lust – Being lusted after – Control, power over others – Rebellious – Selfishness – Extreme justification – Blame game – Resentful – Revengeful – Self centered – Self-destructive – Prideful – Jealousy, female competition – Non-committal in relationships – Isolation

Core Issues

Running from love – Fear of Intimacy – False Intimacy – Lack of self worth – The need to be in control – The need to be nurtured – Rage – Self Hate – Escape – Loneliness – Shame – Fear of commitment – Spiritual Bankruptcy

Core

Sexual abuse
Emotional abuse
Verbal abuse
Physical abuse
Physical/Emotional Abandonment

This is a Christ-centered group for women in recovery from past physical, sexual and/or emotional abuse. One of the keys to success in this recovery program is the coming together of people with similar backgrounds who also have common goals and objectives. Our common background is a history of abuse and our goal is to enter into or maintain recovery. Recovery for us is a two-fold issue. We need healing from the traumas done to us at sometime in our past; we also need healing from the influence these past experiences continue to have on our present lives.

For the newcomer the rewritten 12 Steps can be a place to recognize and identify core issues resulting from past abuse. The newcomer can receive validation, understanding and knowledge of appropriate action to take by practicing the Steps among Christian women.

For the “old-timers”, those women with the same issues but who have already begun the road to recovery, this group can provide a place in which to continue their recovery process.

One of our objectives is to provide a supportive, safe environment. The leader alone cannot assure that, it will have to be a group effort. We respect and acknowledge each woman’s right to be where she needs to be on her own road to recovery. We acknowledge the sensitivity we need to have for each member of this group. Therefore we have provided a list of reminders that are not meant to offend but hopefully ensure the safety and anonymity of each woman present.”What you hear, let it stay here.”

As with any other Christ-centered recovery group we believe that, by our participation through active listening, sharing and application of the Steps to our lives, the Holy Spirit will guide us to further understanding, healing and wholeness.

We are not here to lecture, preach, fix or provide therapy. We are here to tell our story. We come together to share in our weakness, for it is in our weakness that we gain strength. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone: Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” (NIV)

There are other advantages for coming together as a group. One is accountability. We can look to others to honestly let us know how we are doing in our recovery. Old-timers or sponsors can help us see where we may be stuck or provide us with a safe sounding board so that we can hear ourselves.

Another advantage is the sharing of encouragement. The center of the word encouragement is courage. Sometimes we need others around us who have been there to give us courage to be where we are or to take action.

Developing a support system is integral to a this program. We find we are not alone. Others share similar stories. Support can be expanded to include phone calls with other willing members of the group. Support could also include seeking out a sponsor for added encouragement. 

An important advantage is the prayer support. We can together in prayer against Satan’s strongholds keeping us from maturing as Christians or keeping us from recovery.

When we come together we share spiritual gifts.

One last advantage is that together we multiply the witness of Christ. We’re not an accident. We reflect Christ’s grace and love as we move through recovery.